Monday, January 5, 2015

My Singular Focus as a Parent

Clearly I'm an expert parent. I have more than 10 years of experience at the job. Therefore, I now share with you the Golden Rule of Parenting as derived from my vast collection of training and personal experience. You may want to print this out and hang it on your fridge for future reference...or bookmark it so you can easily access this brilliance electronically in the future.

My job as a parent is to assure that my child does not turn out to be a jack-wagon.

That's it. Lesson over. Get out there and get focused, people. 

What? You thought you would be charged with some list of 25 steps to empower your child to express himself with balanced maturity and mental acuity? Or something more exciting (and complex sounding like that). Nope. Just assure that your kid grows up to be someone whom others do not feel compelled to call a jerk. 

You see, if you raise someone who is a jack-wagon they are likely to treat others poorly, cheat at cards or sports, fail to practice good personal hygiene, spit in public, ignore social justice responsibilities, hit into other foursomes on the golf course, use more than their share of resources of all kinds, chew with their mouth open, participate in overly exuberant public displays of affection, drive their vehicle without regard for posted laws or others sharing the roadway, lie, talk loudly in public places, be required to participate in a paternity test on a talk tv show, steal others ideas or property, wear an excessive amount of perfume or cologne, spend time in jail/prison, spill beer on the people sitting nearby at sporting events, humiliate people who are not like them, disrespect parents, the elderly, officers of the law, and military personnel, or push a personal agenda without regard for polite discourse. 

I've got too much going on to remember or enact one of those lists of the top ten things to do to assure that my child becomes a rock star at whatever. Those lists just overwhelm me. But, my foolproof plan is simple and can be implemented by parents of all socio-economic backgrounds, reading levels, nationalities, and mental capacities. It doesn't require a weekend retreat to learn. Just apply this litmus test to every crossroads and conversation with your kid: If I do/don't do this now, will my child grow up to be a jack-a**? If you answer in the affirmative, then regroup and get things going in the opposite direction. Pronto. 

Together, we can do this. We can raise the first generation of youth who are not jack-wagons as adults. Stay focused, parents. Don't get distracted with loving with logic or whatever the latest trend may be...just stay true to this one goal. Go.

You are welcome.