Monday, October 18, 2010

Broken Promises

It's time I out some broken promises. I've kept quiet for way too long.

I've subscribed to Fitness magazine for about 7 or 8 years. Not only does the magazine arrive in my mailbox, but I READ it every month. I feel like I'm doing my part. Yet, I remain decidedly unfit.

This isn't nonsense. I'm not talking about the lazy girls way out with the exercise videos that you watch while sitting on the couch eating buttered popcorn (who really eats that micro rubbish without adding butter?!) and sipping on a cabernet. No. I am not that lazy. I'm no couch potato!

I stand in my kitchen, near the bag of whole, toasted almonds that are a suggested snack food in my Fitness magazine, and read. I'm engaging my brain. I'm flipping pages. I'm not even sitting down!

I am not any fitter for the effort.

Seems like the perfect time to evaluate a bit of why the magazine is not living up to its promise of Fitness. Perhaps they are overpromising?

If I even remotely resembled one of the cover models I certainly would not subscribe to Fitness. I wouldn't have time to read magazines because when you are that Smoking Hot you don't read magazines, you use them to fan yourself at the beach. Good grief!

Know your audience...your subscribers are approaching deadlines like high school reunions and family vacations. We have middle aged booties and bellies. And, if we've already spent a lifetime finding clever ways to fit in squats while also flossing our teeth with "green" floss that we wove ourselves - we wouldn't need your magazine.

Also, reevaluate all of the resources you are currently using for nutrition tips. When I'm running through my kitchen (I'm using "running" here to refer to the act of crazily scurrying while dodging errant super balls and Lego spaceships that may be strewn about the floor en route to a meeting that may result in a paycheck) I DO NOT have time to "grab a handful of fresh berries and pop them into a wheat germ and banana smoothie." Okay, to be fair, I'm paraphrasing the tip. But, it was unrealistic anyway.

If I grab a handful of berries out of my fridge, first they will need careful sorting to assure that they are not covered in mold (I shop infrequently and rarely eat all of any fresh produce in the fridge, visitors beware). And, secondly, I'm in a rush. There is no time to whip up anything. Those berries are destined to be squashed all over the steering wheel of my car before I get out of the garage. Thirdly, I refuse to buy anything that is a germ, even if it is a wheat germ. Ridiculous.

Who needs these ideas that just make me feel terrible about myself?

I'll probably continue with my subscription...and maybe I'll send in some of my own snack-on-the-go ideas (seriously, who ever has a snack that isn't on the go?). Real stuff like only eating half of the bag of Baked Lays in one drive fit, people!